A Conversation with Irina from the Sopranos

  

Irina from the Sopranos

Her English as a Second Language Teacher

Teacher: You say here in your essay on What the American Dream means to you that you've only been in this country for 9 months. So tell me, Irina, how is it a poor girl from Ukraine is able to bed both Tony Soprano and Boone from Animal House in such a short time?

Irina: Huh? Animal House?

Teacher: Oh sorry, it's an American movie. I mean Councilman Zellman.

Irina: Oh. I love American movie. So how you say 'nave'?

Teacher: Knave? Knavish?

Irina: Navvvee.

Teacher: Naive?

Irina: Yes, naive. To not like the French so much, you sure do use very French words.

Teacher: Well, yes, when we've exhausted all other possibilities.

Irina: You're hanging spaghetti from my ears, teacher.

Teacher: Oh no, oh no..I would never do that, Irina. So how did you come to bed both Tony Soprano and Councilman Zellman?

Irina: To bed? Oh..oh you mean fuck.

Teacher: (blushing) Uh..we don't use that word, Irina. Not in formal essays or um in…Irina: Why not? You use it for everything else? It can be noun, adjective, adverb, verb.
Fuck me. Fuck you. Fucking fuckhead. Fuck off. Fuck up. Fuck down. Fuckin'A. Fuckin' B. You driving me fucking crazy. You Americans are so funny with your fucking word fuck. We have very more curse words than you. English is very..how you say…poor language.

Teacher: Hmm…now back to the question.

Irina: Oh, just lucky I assume.

Teacher: Lucky? In what way?

Irina: Oh well, I reach the American dream very very faster.

Teacher: The American Dream?

Irina: Horrorshow. Yes. Were you see the Bachelor on TV?

Teacher: Uh..no..haven't seen that.

Irina: Well, it's very very funny. All this woman prostitute themself on national tv to marry some man they do not know because he has bananas of money.

Teacher: Ah..a bunch, yes…and you correlate this with the American dream?

Irina: Yes, I love America. It's why I love Tony Soprano.
America is beautiful place. All you have to do is make lots and lots of money and nobody cares how you do it!!! And look at your president! Anybody can be president in this country! If you know right people, you can be John Wayne. And save the world from the bad guys. And ride off into the sunset straight to the bank. I love
America. Only place in the world where Julia Roberts can walk the streets one day and the next marry Richard Gere!!!

Teacher: But Irina…Tony Soprano has a conscience. He becomes all weepy at the sight of ducks. He goes to therapy!

Irina: Oh yes..yes! This is what makes him very charming. Like a little boy. Like America. He has conscience about little, stupid things. But never loses the big picture. Of ruling the world through brute force! Therapy! That's a very funny construct. In my country, we talk to friends. We drink vodka. We talk. We forget. We talk. Only in
America you ignore your neighbors, except in cars, when you try to kill each other on your way to the last movie about blowing up and killing people.

Teacher: Ah…hmmm. Interesting. I've known quite a few people in therapy, Irina.

Irina: Were they fix?

Teacher: Um…well, they are still going.

Irina: What a country! So nave.

Teacher: Naive.

Irina: Yes. If you don't understand it, throw money at it. Or destroy it. And then build McDonalds. Yes, more McDonalds will save the world! I love America!

Teacher: Hmmm…but Jung. I'm quite a believer in Dr. Jung. Are you..

Irina: Oh Jung…yes. A dreamer. Like Marx.

Teacher: Marx?

Irina: Yes, Marx, Jung, Jesus, Gandhi. All dreamers.

Teacher: Yeah, but…

Irina: But not practical. This is material world. You Americans are right. Ignorance and greed and the will to power. This is all there is. Madonna knows. She made it to top with the oldest trick in the world. And all the woman of the world praise her as genius!!! Talent? Ha. Shake a little ass. Anna K. knows!

Teacher: But American women are not just sex symbols now. They have made some serious strides towards equality. You have to give them that.

Irina: Equality??? Woman has always controlled from bedroom. They need to control from boardroom, too? Equality. Seems like huge fall to me.

Teacher: No, it's not about control, Irina. It's about choice. It's about freedom of choice. Options.

Irina: Options. Stock option? You Americans are very funny with your illusions of freedom and rightness.

Teacher: Now wait, Irina…This country is not perfect. But the concept of freedom and the rights of the individual are great, noble ideas.

Irina: Freedom to what?

Teacher: Freedom to…freedom to…well…freedom to say George Bush is an idiot!

Irina: Hahaha. We could say that, too! Even in the old days of Communism, we could go to the
Red Square and shout Ronald Reagan sucks!

Teacher: Ha. See?

Irina: Freedom to be an individual? You are no different than the old Communists. Only your freedom is prostituted to Corporations rather than to the Kremlin.

Teacher: What?

Irina: You give your whole life to some Corporation. You call this freedom?

Teacher: Well, we have choices.

Irina: Yes, you have Survivor. You have Lottery. You have Nightly News. You have Jerry Springer. I love it.

Teacher: And we can say whatever we want!

Irina: Ah, freedom to speak. It's true there were nasty Gulags and people were afraid to say anything political. There they took the word very seriously. Here they let the market take care of the word. They realize that anything beautiful or intellectual will never have a chance in the market. It won't sell!!! Meantime, everybody prostitutes whatever they had of beauty and intellect and soul and dignity to the Corporation because..you know it won't sell, but if by some chance, an idea actually did somehow come into consciousness and idea that might actually be put into action and challenge the how you say status quo you can bet they will sleep with fishes.

Teacher: Hmmm…I thought you said you loved
America.

Irina: Oh, I do, I do. And even though you have many gangs of youth here and broken family and many many people don't have healthcare and the rich get richer. At least everybody knows the game, do whatever it takes to get in the right neighborhood. The one under Tony Soprano's protection. So when middle-class white people start getting shot, you know, Tony will be able to protect you. Greed, ignorance, survival. Yeah, that's what it's about. The whole world's gonna be American til Daddy takes the T-bird away.

Teacher: Ha. What are you doing after class?

Irina: Haha. You can't afford me. And Tony's a very jealous man.
Also, I don't exist.

Teacher: I know the feeling.

originally posted 10/31/02